It seems that the reign of the BuzzFeed Quiz may be over. For the past few years, we gazed into the abyss and asked the tough questions of ourselves, like “Which Hunger Games character is my cat?” and “Which Disney ride is my inner cookie?”. Now that we’ve emerged on the other side unscathed, we can embark on a greater quest of understanding: how do I be mindful of my inner cookie?
Recently, mindfulness and happiness have become cultural touchstones for CEO’s and Instagram gurus (#instagurus) alike. Everywhere I turn on the Interwebs I’m assaulted with happiness listicles, like “10 Steps to Mindfulness,” “10 Things Happy People Do Differently,” and “10 Ways to Know Your Own Bliss.” It’s kind of like being punched in the face every 5 minutes. But by an ice cream cone. And you’re like “Get off of me ice cream! You’re delicious, but enough is enough!”
So I’ve decided to put together my own happiness listicle with the help of a little thing I like to call ‘art.’
8 Things of a Happy Mindfulness Human Person, Explained with Art
1. Happy People Ignore Current Events.
There’s always going to be bad things happening in the world, but you shouldn’t let it bum you out. If you want to be happy, turn off the news and tune out the rest of the world’s problems. Don’t get caught up in the emotional mind games of starving children in Africa. Just don’t.
2. Happy People Have More Money.
You need money to have certain comforts in life. Worried about paying your bills and putting your kids through college? That’s stressful, and stress is bad. If you have more money, you won’t be stressed. It’s that simple! So get more money. Also, having money means you can buy stuff. Science shows that the altruism of gift-giving has benefits, which means if you buy yourself presents, you’ll be doubly happy. Bonus points!
3. Happy People Stay Away from Poisonous Relationships.
Are your parents nagging you to help your brother curb his drug problem? Ditch ’em. Is your boss bothering you to send him that report you were supposed to finish 3 months ago? Tell him to go eff himself. Have a suicidal friend calling you late at night? Lose her. As you travel down the road that is your personal journey in life, you’re bound to encounter sad, pathetic people who will try to steal your inner goddess wind. Tell that weepy downer of a friend whose mother just died to get lost, and learn to focus on you.
4. Happy People Are Attractive.
If you’re disturbingly beautiful, life will go your way. It just will. Studies show that attractive people get the jobs they desire, get out of speeding tickets more often, and frequently get away with murder (literally). Hot people get free stuff all the time. On top of that, you get to be hot, so it’s basically a no brainer. It helps to always dress like a sexy tigress fresh from the kill, but like you just woke up that way and didn’t put much effort in. If you can be supermodel skinny too, even better!
5. Happy People Know Their Own Bliss
Know their own bliss? Haha! wow that is just complete bullsh*t. Hoo man! That’s rich. Ok, just had to get that out of my system. Ahem. The key to happiness is knowing your own bliss. If singing out loud brings you bliss, then who cares that you’re talentless! If you’ve always wanted to be a mother and think that abandoning that career is the right choice even though you’ll never be able to go back because no one wants an unfocused employee whose priority isn’t her work and who will probably be leaving early everyday because little “Jimmy” has the flu again (seriously? again?), then you go girl! Whatever your thing is, do it. No matter how weird, socially unacceptable, unnatural, or illegal.
6. Happy People Have Sex Regularly
Sex is important and so is confidence. So be confident and have sex. Don’t be afraid to be a little slutty, but not too much. Never be an actual slut. So have all the sex you want, and often, and then you’ll be happy. But not too often, because again, the slut thing.
7. Happy People Fake it til They Make it.
Smile through your tears. People on the street will be inspired by you. They definitely won’t think you’re that serial killer “Clown Face” who has been killing small animals in the park and hanging their carcasses in the trees lately. If you think “I’m going to live my best life,” and then you live your best life, you’ll live your best life. And that’s what matters.
8. Happy People Are White.
In order to be happy, it’s best to start off by being white. Your friends will thank you when you save them that extra breath introducing you as their “friend” instead of their “Asian friend” or their “black friend”. Why? Because white is treated as the baseline in our culture. It’s classic, like cheeseburgers, Coco-Cola, and white privilege. And you’re going to need a good amount of white privilege if you’re going to have time to worry about things like your bliss.